How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
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