My liver just broke up with me...
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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