mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
