Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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