Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
