oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
