Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
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