I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
