Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
