Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
