Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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