I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Randomize
