I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
