What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize