You just made me feel so damn special
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
