my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
