i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
