First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
so let's talk penis.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
