The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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