I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Holy shit dude........stairs
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