I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
