Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
