please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
