his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
