i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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