I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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