Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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