he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize