we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize