Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Randomize
