I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
my vag is so smooth its legendary
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Randomize
