Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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