I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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