My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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