So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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