Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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