Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
