i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
