I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
