You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
