What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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