This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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