Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
