He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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