Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
