But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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