He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
