Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
