I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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