Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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