Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
