White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Ketchup is God's man juice
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
