I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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