Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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