You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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