Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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