No stitches, just platelets and will power
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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