hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
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