I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
