if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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